Facebook’s Top 10 Apologies
Word on the web is that Facebook’s rolling out a tool to stop revenge porn.
The way it works: Send your nudes to Facebook and they’ll make sure nobody spreads them across the network in an act of revenge.
It’s a tricky proposition because sending nudes to random people online ends in catastrophe nine out of 10 times…
…but that one time?
That one time out of 10 could end up saving the world.
This is that one time.
Could someone hack the database?
Nope. The system can’t be compromised.
Could a rogue employee get their hands on your pics?
Nope. Only “a handful of specifically trained members” will see them.
So don’t be a pussy. Send them.
If your pics end up on porn ads in Latvia, the world will be blessed with another Facebook apology.
Who wouldn’t want that?
Facebook apologies are like iPhone releases. They’re as classic as Oscar speeches, as American as cheeseburgers.
In honor of this opportunity, let’s take a look at some of Facebook’s greatest apologies.
10. Apologizing for Everything— 2018
This commercial has been ruining the NBA playoffs ever since it began airing so it’s getting the №10 spot.
Facebook apologized for everything from data misuse to clickbait, which is like someone blowing up the world and saying, “My bad for everything.”
But according to Facebook’s stock price, it actually worked?
9. Apologizing to Myanmar — 2018
Last year, hate speech on Facebook sparked what the United Nations called “ethnic cleansing” in Myanmar. Hundreds of thousands fled the country.
Zuckerberg used the opportunity to credit Facebook for flagging and removing the problematic content, but he never took responsibility for fueling the problem. Then he apologized for taking credit for fixing a problem that he refused to take credit for starting.
This is the Inception of apologies so it’s getting the №9 spot.
8. Apologizing for Psychological Tests — 2014
In 2014, Facebook began tweaking its News Feed to give some people a positive experience and some people a negative experience. The company wanted to make users feel sad to see whether it would change their behavior. The study affected 700,000 unknowing users.
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg apologized for the study and said, “we never meant to upset you,” even though that’s exactly what they meant to do.
7. Apologizing for Fake News — 2016
During the 2016 U.S. presidential election, kids around the world were making $10K a month by posting fake news to Facebook. Some suspicious Russian companies also spewed fake news across the network.
Zuckerberg denied it was possible, then admitted it was. Instead of acknowledging the business prowess of kids in Macedonia, he introduced new tools to report hoaxes.
When people kept pressing him on the issue he apologized again and said, “I ask forgiveness and I will work to do better.”
6. Apologizing for a Privacy Loophole — 2010
In 2010, reporters found a loophole that allowed advertisers to access user data without users knowing. Every time a user clicked an ad, an advertiser would receive a bunch of information about them.
Facebook said they didn’t know about it and eventually fixed the code. A few days later Zuckerberg said, “Sometimes we move too fast.”
Gotta respect an apology that cocky.
5. Apologizing for Privacy Deception — 2011
In 2011, Facebook got caught lying to users about a bunch of shit.
Facebook said it wouldn’t share personal information with advertisers and it did. Facebook said apps could only access needed information but apps could actually access all information. Facebook said users could designate certain information private, but that information was actually still public.
There were too many lies to list and Facebook eventually settled with the Federal Trade Commission.
After the settlement, Zuckerberg apologized and said, “I’m the first to admit that we’ve made a bunch of mistakes.”
4. Apologizing for Beacon — 2007
In 2007, Facebook launched one of its biggest fuckups of all time. It was called Beacon.
The program tracked Facebook users everywhere they went on the web and then shared that information with friends and advertisers. Even if you were logged out of Facebook, Beacon could post your external activity to your timeline.
People went apeshit and Zuckerberg gave users the option to opt-in to the service.
We’ve made a lot of mistakes building this feature, but we’ve made even more with how we’ve handled them. We simply did a bad job with this release, and I apologize for it.
Beacon shut down permanently in 2009 (It’s probably secretly still running) and it remains one of the dumbest things Facebook has ever done.
3. Apologizing for News Feed — 2006
Can anybody remember Facebook without News Feed?
There was a time where you could post something to Facebook and people would only see it if they visited your profile. Then that all changed.
All of a sudden all activity from everyone got aggregated into a never-ending stream. People woke up to see everything everybody ever did and realized the world would never be the same.
Zuckerberg apologized for the sudden change by saying, “We really messed this one up.”
People eventually got over the shock and News Feed became a Facebook staple.
2. Apologizing for the Cambridge Analytica Scandal— 2018
Cambridge Analytica used Facebook as a digital rat lab during the 2016 U.S. presidential election.
Zuckerberg denied everything, then admitted everything, and then got grilled on Capitol Hill.
His Capitol Hill showdown had everything you’d expect from great political theater. Zuckerberg drank water. He explained the Internet to elderly politicians. He talked about FaceMash. It was A-1 entertainment.
1. Apologizing for Calling Users ‘Dumb Fucks’ — 2010
In a leaked text exchange from back when Facebook was getting its footing, Zuckerberg bragged about how much data he had in his hands.
Zuck: yea so if you ever need info about anyone at harvard
Zuck: just ask
Zuck: i have over 4000 emails, pictures, addresses, sns
Friend: what!? how’d you manage that one?
Zuck: people just submitted it
Zuck: i don’t know why
Zuck: they “trust me”
Zuck: dumb fucks
When confronted about the texts, Zuck said he regretted sending them, and added, “I think I’ve grown and learned a lot.”
Greatest apology of all time. It told us everything we needed to ignore about Facebook if we wanted to enjoy Facebook.
That was 14 years ago and Zuck has grown so much that he doesn’t need a booster seat anymore.
There’s no doubt a Facebook scandal consisting of a billion nude pics would garner the greatest apology of all time, but for the time being, these are the top 10.
In a 60 Minutes episode a former Facebook employee put Facebook’s habits into layman’s terms.
If your partner was cheating on you and they cheated on you 15 times and apologized 15 times — at some point, you have to say, “Enough is enough. Like, we need to make some kind of a change here.”
What does that change look like if your partner is a social network?
